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Thoughts on an Easter Sunday
by
Darla Isackson
Last Easter was
a soul-searching time for me. I learned from reading over my journal
entry I wrote on that day. May I share it with you?
Easter
Sunday 2002
My Episcopalian friend and teacher Vera Infelt (who is 95 years
old now!) called me earlier this week and told me about her traditions
in regard to the pre-Easter week-- how she commemorates the Last
Supper and the day of the crucifixion, how she celebrates the joy
of the resurrection. She said she thought those were traditions
celebrated by all those who follow Him completely. I want to follow
Him completely, but have too often let the week before Easter slip
by without thinking much about it. How ironic, I thought, that Protestants,
without the fullness of the gospel could in some ways “get”
the message of the importance of the Savior’s life and mission
more than I do. I determined to have my own private devotionals
about the Savior every morning, and have done well. There is so
much to ponder.
Now it is Easter
morning. This week I have read the Easter story in the Bible and
in Proctor’s beautiful book Source of the Light.
I have thought much about the Savior and his gifts and rejoiced
that “He is risen.” I have earnestly asked the question
“what lack I yet?” knowing I am not taking full advantage
of His gifts or consistently feeling “the peace that passeth
understanding.” I have received an answer. I am still with-holding,
still wanting my will to be done, and still trying to control others
to suit me. As usually happens, this very week I was editing material
that touched on this very theme and clarified it for me. The author
quoted Neal A. Maxwell who said, “The submission of one’s
will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place
on God’s altar. The many other things we ‘give,’
brothers and sisters, are actually the things He has already given
or loaned to us. However, when you and I finally submit ourselves,
by letting our individual wills be swallowed up in God’s will,
then we are really giving something to Him! It is the only possession
which is truly ours to give! Consecration thus constitutes the only
unconditional surrender which is also a total victory!” (Ensign,
Nov. 1995, 24) Also Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, who, speaking about
devoted members, said, “They have largely surrendered their
own interests, and in so doing have found ‘the peace of God,
which passeth all understanding’ ” (Ensign,
May 1996, 34).
. . . In my
“inner space” where I have felt there was still darkness
when I so desired to have light, there is still a little clenched
fist of self-will, still a little girl stamping her foot and wanting
what she wants. I want my children to make the best choices and
not have to suffer. God’s will is to give them total agency
and the chance to learn from what they suffer. I want all my family
members to look and act in ways that do not bring me discomfort.
God requires that each of us make our own choices and suffer the
natural consequences from them. He wants me to learn from the fact
that I can’t and shouldn’t infringe on the agency of
anyone else--and that what needs to change is my own heart. I desire
greatly a new heart and a new spirit about all this--with the commemoration
of Christ’s resurrection, the promise of newness of life,
I pray for the ability to unclench that fist, truly give every scrap
and bit of my will over to Him, with-holding nothing. I believe
the Lord will let me bloody my head beating against the wall of
self-will, failing in my efforts to control others, sorrowing over
the necessity of natural consequences until I finally “get
it.” Until I learn that the whole plan of God requires that
we all have ultimate agency, and learn through the things that we
suffer. It is through our suffering that we can be best brought
to humbly kneel at His feel in total recognition that “without
Him we can no nothing.”
I’ve thought I was there a hundred times. Oh can I truly,
really be there today, on this Easter Sunday? I want to raise my
hand in a total sustaining vote for God’s plan a second time--surely
I already did that once in the pre-existence; but this time from
the position of knowledge of good and evil, of experience with suffering
and sorrow, yet having fought against the inevitability of sorrow
and suffering.
As a young adult
I remember singing “I Stand All Amazed” with great love
for the Savior, yet with ignorant and prideful thoughts. For when
the words say, “I marvel that he would descend from his throne
divine to rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,”
I sat there and thought, “I’m not rebellious and proud.
I’m obedient and humble.” There was pride and self-righteousness
in that very thought and I have lived long enough to experience
sorrow from my pride, to recognize my rebellion against the plan
of suffering. I want to learn the lessons of life and I want my
children to learn them, but Oh, I’ve said in my heart, surely
there must be an easier, less messy way than through making all
these mistakes and suffering all this sorrow. So now, today, can
I quit rebelling against God’s plan? Can I let go of the idea
that any of us can or should choose well enough to avoid the refiner’s
fires of life that God has ordained to temper and refine and humble
us? Can I see once and for all that God is wise and that His plan
is perfect? No . . . there is no once and for all, and I will have
to be reminded over and over. But my desire is truly to submit to
Him, to open my whole heart to His cleansing power. I want him to
clean out every room of the house of my heart, to learn to truly
say “Thy will be done” and to learn to love as He loves.
I want to become His disciple indeed.
My will has
been so short-sighted, so selfish--often motivated by desires for
my own comfort and happiness. His will always takes into consideration
all eternity and what will best serve my growth towards celestial
goals. He knows everything about me; He knows everything about everything!
I know not even enough to cover the eye of a pin. For me to pit
my will against His is the greatest foolishness, the greatest folly.
For me to attempt to align myself with His will is the greatest
wisdom. When I’ve wanted my children to make wise and righteous
choice I thought surely that WAS His will, too. But His will rises
above the moment to eternal principles and His ultimate will is
always to honor agency and its chastening, refining process. The
Atonement is in place precisely because of the reality of this plan.
God, knowing the inevitability of wrong choices, gave us the way
back and it is for us to accept and recognize.
I keep thinking
that we miss the boat as parents by not teaching better the Lord’s
part in our progress. We try to do too much on our own, and then
get discouraged because we can’t do the impossible. Almost
every step of spiritual progress comes only by the grace of Christ
as gifts of the Spirit and mostly our part is to ask and be willing
to receive, not to get strong enough to do it on our own, because
we can’t. Many scriptures say, in effect, “I can do
NOTHING without Christ, who strengtheneth me.”
So today I rejoice.
Christ is risen. Christ lives and loves me. He will strengthen me
to fill my life’s mission and learn to love as He loves. The
character of my life is painted by the pictures I choose to hold
in my mind. Every Sunday as I partake of the Sacrament I proclaim
my willingness to picture in my mind the Savior of the world. I
am promised in that prayer that as I remember Him I will have His
Spirit to be with me. How could I ask for more? What is the tiny
price I am asked to pay for the abundant blessing of the Savior
to guide me, love me, comfort me, heal me, and wipe away my tears?
Only to repent and remember Him, to draw my mind again and again
to the wonder of his birth and life and Atonement. On this Easter
Sunday as I partake of the emblems of his flesh and blood, I hope
to remember, to feel, to promise again with a full heart to commit
more fully to be Jesus’ disciple and to remember Him always
in my mind. In this uncertain world, all other freedoms can be temporarily
stolen from me but one. I can always choose what I will think this
moment, I can always choose the pictures I hold in my mind, and
consequently choose the focus of my life. May my focus always be
my Savior, King, and Redeemer. I truly know that My Redeemer Lives!
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