The weather has been marvelous all month. I think it has only rained once, at least during the day. Whatever it does at night I know little of. And nights are also definitely getting very much shorter. It is still light now at ten o’clock in the evening, but that is in part because the skies are so clear. I am getting very used to sun every day, sea so blue you can hardly look at it, birdsong in the garden and in the fields — the air sizzling with larks! — and so many flowers, both wild and cultivated.

At the moment I have sheets of pansies in bloom, especially purple, brilliant tulips, and so many daffodils you could pick fifty every day and never see where they have come from. There are also bluebells, forget-me-nots, green, wine and black hellebore, cowslips, pagoda lilies, polyanthus, hyacinths, and yellow daisies whose proper name I don’t know. And of course the apple and pear blossoms are out, and the white cherry a foam of petals. Wallflowers smell like heaven in the sun. Clematis and peonies are in bud. It will be their turn next.

The fields around are full of calves, and even more so of lambs. Most sheep seem to have at least two, some three. I saw two lambs the other day, wobbling up to each other and slowly bumping heads, then stopping and wondering why they had done it, and what to do next.

A friend told me that when the sheep are sheared sometimes the lambs don’t recognize their mothers for a while. I suppose they must look and smell different. However the mothers ALWAYS know their own lambs. Then she said, “You don’t get the point, do you!”

Yes I did.

I knew what she was telling me — we do not always know our Father in Heaven very well, but He always knows us. It was a timely reminder. I would be better if I always remembered and understood who my Father in Heaven is, and believed without question that He never forgets that I am His child. He never forgets any of us, or our relationship to Him, it is we who run around lost and crying out, “Where are you? Where are you?”

It was exciting and full of good experiences to be away, but it is also good to be home again, and at my own branch on Sundays. We have had some good lessons. I love the Old Testament anyway — the vividness of the stories and the beauty of the language, and of course the familiarity of most of it. It is so rich one may draw different points at different times in one’s life.

Something that strikes me very forcibly now is the lesson on the children of Israel falling terribly ill, and being commanded to “look up to be healed.” It is a story we have heard many times, and the thought of looking upward to God is very clear. But this time it was stressed that they should also stop looking backwards at what they had left in Egypt, the food, the shelter, the treasures, the ease compared with the desert.

How often do we stumble going forwards, miss our step, fall over obstacles, or go the wrong way, because we are busy looking at the past instead of the future? This could apply in many ways. Some that come to mind are regrets over what cannot now be changed, and self-blame, which can cripple. The blessing of the gift of repentance is that it enables one to leave the sin, the error, the mistake and begin again. And yet there are times when we will not admit our own part in whatever it was, so we end up wasting energy trying to make excuses, instead of saying, “Yes, I was wrong. I’m sorry. I will try very hard to see it never happens again,” then being able to put down the weight of it, and move on!

Sometimes we won’t forgive ourselves. God offers us the gift of wiping out the stain, and we refuse to accept, as if we doubted His sincerity. Put like that it sounds absurd, but sometimes we do it all the same. We carry guilt as if it were some kind of treasure. We cripples ourselves, fail to become what we might, and our disability robs everyone.

But I suppose the easiest “looking back” to fall into is that of carrying grudges. Someone comes to my mind who believes themselves to have been wronged by a fellow member. It was dealt with by the appropriate authorities, but unfortunately not strictly according to church procedures. One person dealt with it alone, instead of with counselors, and that one person was a close friend of the person accused. Therefore, of course, the decision of innocence was tainted by the relationship. The procedures are there for extremely good reasons.

Thus the accused person has not been cleared openly, and the accuser feels unsatisfied. The true tragedy is that some people have been unable to let the matter go. We all need to learn to let go of some issues, even though they may be unsatisfactory, and even if there was injustice done. To carry the burden of anger or blame is far more damaging than any original wrong. It doesn’t matter any more.

Sometimes there is injustice in life. We do not always get what we deserve. At times people do wrong things and get away with them. Sometimes we ourselves do wrong things, and escape. I have often been dealt with more mercifully than I deserved, and am I grateful for that! Mercy fills my heart with gratitude, and makes me long for the chance to be merciful to someone else. Was there ever any human being who could afford to be dealt with as they deserved? Surely every one of us should say, on our knees, “forgive me”?

But we have a tendency to be able to understand and forgive the sins we are aware of having committed, but not those that have been committed against us — or against those we love.

And what about the sins we commit without realizing that they are sins?

We could start with sitting in judgment on others when we have no business to. We might go on with giving what we think is good advice, caring for others, friendly persuasion — and is in fact unrighteous dominion. How often do we withhold love, friendship or approval from someone because they think differently from us? Is that not a very powerful way of trying to make them do what we want them to?

Friendship, kindness and respect must extend to the right to be different, to disagree, as well as to agree. There are things which are wrong and hurtful, but there are many things which are simply a matter of opinion, or taste, an exploration of something unknown. It is quite an art to tell the difference.

And then it is still true that those who are on a wrong path need loving just as much as those who are right — at times they need it even more.

Again, it comes to looking forward, not backwards, where we want to go to, not where we have been. If I continue on this path, is it going to lead to my “promised land,” or into my becoming someone I don’t really want to be? Am I becoming honest, merciful, brave, gentle, and generous? That is who I want to be.

When I had my first driving lesson — in downtown Hollywood, believe it or not! — my instructor told me not to look to either side at the things I wanted to avoid, but to look ahead at where I wished to go — because that is where I would actually steer. That is excellent advice: You go where you are looking! Look ahead!

This week’s Sunday school lesson naturally followed straight on, and dealt with Balaam and his failure to prophesy according to the will of God, in spirit as well as to the letter. It was a terrific example of how following to the exactness of words but not grasping the meaning with your heart can lead you to complete destruction.

I expect we are all familiar with the basic story, because it is so extraordinary, and colourful. Balaam was a prophet, and even Barak, the king of the Midianites, knew that he spoke for God. He saw the hosts of Israel on his borders and believed he could not defeat them without divine aid, so he called Balaam to curse them. Balaam replied that he could speak only as the Lord directed — no more, no less. Barak offered him all kinds of riches and honour if he would change his mind, and curse Israel. Balaam was sorely tempted, and argued with the Lord to find a way around the issue, of course without success.

The really colourful part is where he is riding his ass, which will not obey him because she (it was a she-ass) could see the Angel of the Lord, barring their way, which Balaam could not. Eventually the ass stopped completely and Balaam lost his temper and started to beat her. He even said that if he had had a sword he would have killed her with it. At this point she spoke to him, with a human voice, and asked what she had done to deserve such abuse.

Another interesting point in this, which I had not considered before — in this instance a prophet of God was blind to the Angel — but a she-ass could see him!! How important it is to have your own testimony and your own humility and courage before the Lord so you cannot be misled by others, no matter how important they are, or what calling they have. Feel a little more respect for animals also. They might see the presence of God where we are too full of ourselves to be aware of it.

Our teacher had done some subsidiary reading in Josephus, and told us more about how far Balaam fell after that. Still wishing to collect his reward from Barak, he worked out a way the Midianites could defeat Israel, and advised Barak accordingly. They were to send in their most gorgeous women to seduce the Israelite men to adultery and idolatry, eating the same food as the Midianites (unclean by the law of Moses) and to worship their idols. It worked very well — thousands falling prey to disease — no difficulty guessing at what sort, the descriptions were clear. So Balaam won his riches without cursing the Israelites, and lost his soul, by helping to destroy them, in spite of knowing that was not God’s will. Of course the Israelites are responsible for their own yielding to temptation, and paid for it.

What a tragic story! The only one who comes out of it well is the ass! She had the spiritual eyes to see an angel when he was there. Perhaps if we are looking for good we will see it, and if we are seeking chances for evil, we will see those too.

I do not mean that we should blind ourselves to tragedy or wrong where we can help, either to avoid it in the first place, or to heal it if it has happened. We cannot fight against what we do not acknowledge, and if we stand by when we could act then we are accomplices in the fault. “They also sin who only stand and watch” – with apologies to Milton (for the misquote).

Next week it is my turn to teach the Sunday School class, since our regular teacher is on holiday. The subject is Joshua and the fall of Jericho. His courage and faith were marvelous. I think we are all familiar with the story. The question I would like to have had answered is why of all the people in Jericho, it was Rehab, spoken of in the Bible as a harlot, who was the only one to recognize that the children of Israel would and should take the city. She and her family were saved, because of her understanding. What sort of a woman was she? What were her circumstances, and what happened to her afterwards?

The Bible, both old and new testaments, is full of people we see only for a short part of their lives, and yet they are remarkable for courage or faith, insight, wisdom, and honour. Many of the examples, of faith in particular, we see only once. The woman at the well in Samaria who recognized Christ, when His own people did not. What was her life like afterwards? What was it before, that she knew him?

The woman with the issue of blood who followed Him in the street, knowing that if she touched only the hem of His clothes, she would be healed — what was she like? What did she do day by day? How was she afterwards, what great use did she make of her life? Was she filled with gratitude and hope for eternity, as well as for the day? Miracles change some people, and have only a momentary effect on others.

One of our speakers yesterday, describing the restoration of the Aaronic priesthood, quoted Oliver Cowdrey and his marvelous vision of John the Baptist, and the glory he witnessed.

One would think he would never be the same again. If seeing such things does not alter you for life, then what can it take to do so? And yet although he never denied it, we know that he fell away.

I am reminded of the Lord’s words to Thomas — “Blessed are they that have seen, and believe, and more blessed are they who have not seen, and yet believe.” It seems it is not what you see with the eyes and with the mind; it is what you see with the heart and the spirit that lasts.

We need each other’s help to be reminded of what is beautiful in the fullest sense, what is good and true, what has such a glory to it that nothing can mar it, make it soiled or stale, the glory of which we never tire — the awe of the tenderness and the majesty of creation, courage and love and sacrifice, honour and gentleness, mercy and laughter and hope.

May the worth of these things never fade from us, and may we never forget, or find it too dark to believe that they are eternally possible. Until next month, may the blossoming of the year bring you joy.