How Far am I from Who I Really
Wish to Be?
By Anne Perry
I apologize for being so late, and for making one letter serve for two months. I have been away a lot and time has slipped out of my grasp. And also, I am away again on April 5th, and will not have more than a day or two at home before the end of the month. What a good thing I can write as I travel regular manuscript and have it typed up when I return. I don’t even need an electric source, because I use pen and paper.
After a whole winter which was like spring, we now have a spring which is like winter. Actually the real snow came a few weeks ago, but melted again quickly, then more fell . . . and so on. The garden is full of flowers: daffodils, the last snowdrops, primroses, pansies, irises, winter aconite, wallflowers, hellebore, polyanthus and sheets of crocuses in lilac, purple and gold. The bare branches are budding and it is all bursting with life. The snow does not seem to have damaged anything, and while it was here it was truly beautiful. We had days when the whole land was sheeted in dazzling white, every twig of every tree crusted with snow. Across the water the mountains were white from sky to sea, and the air and water shimmering blue so bright it was difficult to look at, and yet so marvelous you had to!
And admittedly, we could use the precipitation. We have been far too dry, too long.
I have loads of things to
do, but that is good. It must be terrible to have too little. Time
is one of the greatest gifts we are given, and it would be a tragedy
to let any of it slip away wasted. I am very conscious that life
needs to go on for ever to get even half the things done that would
be fun, useful, exciting, or of value one way or another.
Today, Sunday 26th, I was here to go to Church, and it was one of the best days. Everyone seemed to think so. Because of Conference next week, it was both Mother’s Day and I found myself thinking of friends, and my mother, who was my first friend. She taught me so much about sharing, work and play, patience, laughter, imagination, how to teach and how to learn, and I think above all, courage to take hold of life and live it to the full, the pleasure and the pain.
I have been blessed with good friends, more and more as time has gone on. Some I am related to by blood, some not, but whatever the nature of the bond, the ages of the people or the circumstances, I think friendship is at the core of all those relationships that are precious. And the best of all, we accept that God is our friend, but I would like to live in such a way that one day He could truly say that I have learned to be His friend also. A high aim, but where else would one wish to look?
In Sunday School one teacher began by asking us to imagine that we had just died, and to think of all the things that we would wish to go back and do differently. Matters left undone, forgiveness not given, rifts not mended, wrongs not addressed, any number of things we would love to change, now when it was too late.
Then, of course, he reminded us that we are still alive, and it is not too late at all! In fact it is exactly the right time to do it. A very instructive exercise, and one that should be entered into at regular intervals. One day it will be true. How much better to be able to say – ‘I’m glad I did’, rather than ‘I wish I had’. We will never accomplish everything, because one of the most beautiful things about the Gospel is that growth is endless, and mistakes can be forgiven and learned from.
But for all that, there are times and seasons when things are done best, and NOW is a terrific time for lots of things, especially for deciding what kind of person we really wish to be, and seeing where progress can be made.
Recently I watched someone do something cruel and seemingly pretty stupid. I thought ‘Is that really who you want to be? Spiteful, full of petty vengeances, foul mouthed, ill-tempered and extremely childish. Can you see yourself?’
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Then I began to think – ‘Can I see myself?’ How far am I from who I really wish to be? This time is so very precious, this opportunity to do it better, be gentler, wiser, kinder, should never be wasted. One day it will be over, and then I will have missed out. When the end comes, let me at least be found trying to be the best I can. There will always be room for improvement, but to be perfect is NOT to be without fault, it is to be doing our best, honestly, without excuses, laziness or cowardice. Growth is endless. There is no point, even in eternity, when we can sit down and say ‘Now I know it all and there is nothing more to do’!
Surely that is the greatest gift God ever gave us? Endlessness! No dusk beyond which there is not a dawn with new tasks to perform, new places to discover, something new to build, someone to teach, or to learn from, and above all to love. When we slip off the path, there is a hand stretched out to help us back up again, and opportunities to be the one stopping and leaning over to offer that hand.
Which brings me to the subject of forgiveness. There are always events which bring this blessing to mind, but one or two things happened recently to waken new thoughts in me, and far more complicated ones. To receive forgiveness is sublime, to give it is not only a blessing but a commandment, and the two are inextricably linked. If we cannot or do not give it, we cannot receive it. And there is no human being on earth who does not need it. The weight of the sin is immaterial, to do less than the best you can, whatever that may be, is to fall short. There are sins of commission when we do ugly, petty or grubby things. There are sins of omission when we could have helped, but chose to pass by on the other side.
But there are also times when we are close to someone who is doing something that we know is destructive, possibly very seriously so, and yet we keep on forgiving them, and in doing so we enable them to continue on a downward path. We might have checked them, helped stop the ill, and we did not, perhaps through error of judgement. But also perhaps it was because we were afraid of what it might cost us, the loss of a relationship we valued, an aloneness which would be painful to us. But in doing what we felt was forgiving, we actually became part of the sin, whatever it was. Very few sins affect only one person. Usually the ripples spread outwards and damage many, perhaps only slightly, perhaps very much.
The big question is where does forgiveness, and unconditional love, as we see it, actually become complicity in the destruction of the very person we believe we are helping?
The answer is not at all easy, and we mistake it often. In struggling towards an answer, I thought of Christ’s love for all of us. He will forgive. He died to redeem us. And I think the word ‘redeem’ is the key. Redemption means that we change from being the person who did not understand and see the destruction to ourselves of whatever the ugliness was. We begin to become someone who sees it very clearly, more clearly than someone who has never touched it, and wishes above all things to be a different and better person. We see at least some part of the beauty of compassion, honour, courage, generosity etc. and hungered for it with a consuming desire.
So perhaps forgiveness is complete when the person begins to change. As long as they intend to remain exactly as they are, then if we forgive, we are enabling them to be comfortable in the sin. Is that love?
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I have grave doubts as to whether it is. I count those my true friends who help me to become better, NOT those who reinforce me in my errors when I have not seen them, or not understood their nature.
But it is a difficult call to make, and often a painful one. Love, of any sort, is not always easy, or always received well or returned. Most certainly it is not always comfortable. I pray that if I find myself in a situation when I have to make such a judgement, I will be on my knees seeking guidance, and I will recognize it when I hear it, and have the courage and the humility to act upon it.
Easy to say – another thing to do.
It is one of the greatest blessings of being a writer - the chance to think upon really difficult dilemmas. If the answer is easy, there is not much point in exploring it. But one of the most rewarding aspects of writing books that are read by others, is that some people write letters back and say how they see principles that they care about and believe in. Now and then someone will ask what religion I am, or counsel me that gifts of writing, or any of other sort, are from God. (Which of course I know!) It is a communication of great value to me.
I have also been doing a little reading on the faiths of other people. How many of the fundamental concepts are like ours! Always love and honour are paramount, the duty to keep one’s word looms very large indeed. A promise must never be broken, in any circumstances, whatever the cost.
That brings to mind in our knowledge that the word of God CANNOT go out and return empty. Would that we could say the same of our own word. How often have any of us been promised something: I’ll be there! I’ll do that! I’ll make it, pay it, carry the message, do it in plenty of time – and then it does not happen!
It used to be that a person’s word was their bond. There would be no wriggling out, no changing the time, the amount, the price or the conditions. Nothing needed to be on paper. Trust was there, people did not lie, evade or cut corners. Of course that was only in certain industries, but in the underwriting of insurance that is how it was. The insurance was in place from the moment the risk was accepted on the telephone, before any money changed hands.
Shouldn’t our given word be as good as that? Does an honest person make a promise they know they might not be able to keep? Isn’t that a form of lie?
How would we feel if God made us a promise that if we did something then He would respond in a certain way, and then upon our obedience, He said ‘Oh – changed my mind. It’ll cost you more’. It will never happen. We trust God precisely because we know He will always keep his word, maybe not in the time we would like – but in the time that is BEST. If He lied, for convenience sake, or forgetfulness, or any other reason, He would cease to be God. The law of heaven cannot be shifted around to be more profitable to God, more suitable to His schedule, or because He has had a better offer, from someone who is a cheaper or more skilled or diligent servant than we are.
Could we expect to meet God face to face, and get away with an answer like that? ‘I couldn’t be bothered! So and so offered me more money! I forgot! I decided to keep it for myself! I didn’t really want to go! It made me uncomfortable!’
Think of Christ in Gethsemane, or on the cross, and try one of those as an excuse. We, of all people, know better.
This is not really a time for New Year resolutions, but right now is a good time for any resolution – I want to work harder to be the best within myself, and then improve on that with more knowledge, more courage, more ability to listen to others and think of their needs.
But to the question in Sunday School – if I wake up and I am NOT dead, but alive and well, what do I most wish to change and do better? Same thing as before – have a stronger faith, more trust in God, more willingness to walk forward along the path that I cannot see. I know where it could end, if I do it the best, the very best I can, the honest best, and that should be enough – for all of us!
I pray you have a good month, forward into the greater warmth and sunlight not only literally (in the northern hemisphere - I know it is winter coming in the southern) but far more importantly, spiritually.
Pictures of the snow nearby – now gone - by my friend Meg again.
