M E R I D I A N     M A G A Z I N E

Letter from the Highlands, February 2003
by Anne Perry

I am writing this on the 15th February, and it is the fifth straight day of cloudless sunshine. The sky is blue, the air is motionless, the sea is like a sheet of pale blue silk with hardly a breath disturbing its polished surface. I can see five counties from my garden, and the mountains stretching away into the middle of Scotland. The snowdrops are a sheet of white in the woodland walk, and there are brilliant crocuses and winter aconites out. I think in two weeks or less we should have daffodils. What happened to winter? It’s crazy! And it is so beautiful it takes the breath away. Sunsets have to be seen to be believed, and moonlight is almost like day. If this is winter, what can spring be like? (Probably cold and wet!). Fortunately we have had sufficient rainfall one time and another we have no fear of drought. The biggest worry is that we will get a sudden real dip well below freezing, or gales, and it will damage crops which have been duped into thinking nothing lies ahead but more cloudless, dazzling sun! (Actually sending this on February 24th and it is still cloudless!)

Whatever comes, I hope I never forget how marvellous, how achingly lovely this is – or EVER again complain about winter. (The garden is also full of birdsong!)

Last Sunday – the second in the month – was my lesson in Relief Society. I find the whole John Taylor manual very uplifting and look forward to all of it, but this particular lesson is surely one of the best. The subject was ‘Love thy Neighbour’. If we could do this we would have achieved most of what the gospel is about. Naturally the great commandments were quoted, familiar, beautiful and all-encompassing.

I wanted to stress, not only their importance, but also explain what it means to love someone in that gospel sense. I recently had my attention turned to the subject of friendship in its fullest and deepest forms. The more I think of it, the more do I believe that all relationships that succeed have friendship at their roots: husband and wife, parent and child, siblings, teacher and pupil, colleagues, comrades-in-arms, anything you can think of, even with creatures, with the earth itself, and above all with God. There are many other aspects to relationships, but that is necessary if it is to last, and to survive the changes that come with time and circumstance.

I asked each sister what were the most precious things that she had been given by friends. As always, I received some deep and honest answers. We all agreed that trust was at the core. One must be able to be certain that a friend will never betray a confidence, mock or laugh at you with unkindness. That requires that they be a person who has integrity themselves and can be relied upon for a straightness of character, a steadiness, a sense of honour. No lies, no excuses, no evasion of blame or twisting of events.

But a friend also does not tell you all is well when it is not! A friend does not watch you walk into danger or foreseeable tragedy and then say afterwards ‘I didn’t like to say anything, in case you were angry, or didn’t like me any more’.

A friend is someone who shares successes – but also is willing to share failure. We talked long and deeply about how often we guard our hurts and losses, the things that don’t go well and always say ‘Fine’ when asked how we are. We don’t like constant miseries, but we build an almost uncrossable gulf between us if we always say we are fine, we have no problems, we are never hurt, we never fail at anything or feel lonely, guilty, frightened, full of doubts. We present a perfect shell, iron hard and impenetrable. Then human beings who are vulnerable (which is all of us) feel they cannot communicate and we would not understand any kind of pain – because we are perfect.

If you think about it – who likes Superwoman? We frequently love people and feel close to them precisely because we share their pain and their weaknesses. You cannot help someone who has the world by the tail! You are completely superfluous to their lives. All you can do is stand on the outside, wondering why she can do everything, and you can’t! And you are left feeling inferior. That is not only wretched, it can be crippling.

We realized very forcibly how often we shut each other out by saying we have perfect families, well organized lives, only trivial problems, things that irritate, but nothing that ever really hurts. And we also realized that it is mostly pride that makes us do that. I don’t know how long the resolution will last – but several of us promised ourselves to be more open – to trust each other as friends, not rivals in front of whom we have to keep up an unbreakable veneer.

Friendship is honest, but it is also gentle. It seeks to understand rather than to criticize, but it does not say ‘all is well’ when it isn’t. Your friend is the one who DOES tell you when your slip is showing – and before you go out, not after you’ve come home again!

I asked what was the most precious thing a friend could give. I received several good answers, including time, honesty, trust, discretion, laughter. What I was looking for, and did receive, with a little asking, was that a friend helps you to believe in the best in yourself. Similarly if you love someone, you wish for them that they might fulfil the measure of their creation, that they should become every good and lovely thing that is possible for them? That may involve you being with them, and it may not, but is that not what God wishes for all of us? The fact is that not His purpose?

Then surely that is what we wish, if we love? It seems to me that we are at our kindest and most generous of spirit when we believe in ourselves and feel confident of who we are. Conversely we are at our most critical and unkind when we are lacking in belief, confidence, knowledge of our own possibilities for good. As my father used to quote quite often – ‘Too unhappy to be kind’. Happiness does beget the desire that others should be happy too. If we succeed, we wish others to also. If we have any joy, we like to share it.

Then to help someone see the best in themselves is something to enable them to become the best in all their possibilities? And what greater gift can you give anyone than that?

If someone you care about thinks you are kind, generous, honest, brave and funny, don’t you strive with all your ability to be all those things, so they are never disappointed in you?

Conversely, if those you care for think you are a pretty good waste of time and effort, how much harder it is to be gentle, generous to them, and to believe in yourself.

Very often friendship is just being there and listening. We often tell people our troubles not because we think they can solve them, but simply in order not to be alone. When the Lord asked the disciples to ‘Watch with me’ at Gethsemane, he did not think they might ease his burden, and certainly not remove it, or carry it for him; he simply wished not to be alone. Often we ask ‘watch with me’, for no other reason than that. Sometimes all we can give is to ‘be there’, and that may make all the difference. Friendship is to be with someone, to walk beside them, to share in the large things or the small, good or bad. We can give something of that to all manner of people, whether we love them for a few hours, such as the duration of a plane ride, a moment such as a smile in the street, or all our lives as with a sibling, it is the quality which counts.

I remember years ago a sister I know only very slightly, saying that those who take offence where it is not meant are as much at fault as those who give it. The older I get the more I see the wisdom in that remark. How often do we read into someone’s words a slight or an insult which is a world away from what they were thinking? How many estrangements do we endure over a misplaced word, a remark only half heard, and misunderstood, or something that really was unfortunate, said in haste or temper, but not worth losing peace or goodwill for.

We are taught that if we have a problem with someone, we should take it to them. If it is small, forget it! If it is large enough, ask if they really meant it the way it seemed to you. In my own experience nine times out of ten, if not more, it was not intended the way I heard it. Even the tenth is usually something that can be resolved. It is hard to apologize until you actually try, then it is usually not so bad. Of course if it is not received graciously, that really does burn!

But then you have the satisfaction of knowing that the greater fault remains with the other person!

The world is in a strange and sad position right now. I look out of my window and see a shining peace, the afternoon seems cloudless and just beginning to be touched with gold. The birds are still singing, and when I have finished this I shall walk the dogs. It takes an effort of will to realize that we seem to be on the brink of war, and by the time this reaches you we may already be there. We must treasure the good things we have, this abundance. We have been given more than a great deal of the world has, much will be required of us. Certainly it will be required that we are friends to all manner of people, that we do not carry grudges over small irritants, and misplaced word or an unfortunate omission.

One day we shall look back on this time. I hope it will be with the thought ‘I am glad that I did this, or said that’, not ‘I wish I had used the chance’, ‘I wish I had forgiven, ignored, overlooked, seen the things that really mattered’.

On Monday, two days from now, I am going to Ypres to look at the battlefields before starting my next book. How many men died there so that we might have the opportunities that we do? How many more were mutilated, crippled and blinded? We have many debts we cannot pay, except by doing the best we know how. That always, for every one of us without any exception at all, has to include ‘Love thy neighbour’.

I hope the next few weeks and months brings peace within, even if peace in the world is impossible.

Until March.