M E R I D I A N     M A G A Z I N E

Letter from the Highlands, November 2001
by Anne Perry

Two things have happened to me towards the end of September which confirmed a single realization in my mind. Two people I care about, and for both of whom I have a high regard, had a deep difference of opinion. I found it very painful because I did not want to take sides or see fault in either of them.

A very short while later I was visited by American friends and was unable to receive and entertain them myself, due to circumstances beyond my control, being unable to fly back from Utah on schedule, because of the World Trade Centre catastrophe. My dearest friend and neighbour stood in for me, drove my friends around the country lanes, cared for them, showed them the beautiful, the unique, and the welcoming in the land. My brother shopped for them and talked and listened on many subjects. Everyone liked them, and they had nothing but good to say of them all, truly seeing in each other what was best, not facile words but real perception.

Does our Heavenly Father feel the same, only far more intensely, when we who are His children, see the best in each other? And does it hurt Him more than we can grasp when we misjudge unkindly, when we miss the good and see only the fault, when we allow our pains and our fears of failure or loss to make us attack when we don't need to?

It was a very salutary experience for me, and I hope next time I am on the edge of anger against someone, I can stop for a moment and imagine how my Father in Heaven will feel. We all so easily say that we love the Lord, but love is not a matter of words, it is governing our behaviour to reflect what is good for the one loved, doing it over and over on purpose, until it becomes habit, and eventually becomes who we are.

It has been a strange month, probably for everyone. We are all within the sound and sight of news. We know the possibility that the world is on the edge of all kinds of new situations, many of them very dark. Now more than ever in the lives of most of us, we need to think very carefully what our beliefs are. They are not truly tested when we are comfortable, when we have little cause to be afraid, to hate or to need defence.

I have heard courage described as grace under pressure. It is when we are under pressure that we see where the strengths - and the weaknesses - are. Can we suffer without bitterness or loss of faith? Can we be afraid, and not lash out at others? Can we have little, and not be greedy to grasp for all we can get? Can we grieve without self-pity or despair? Can we fight for what is right without hating the enemy of our cause? Can we be sinned against and still forgive? Can we exercise power without pride or vengeance or unrighteous dominion? Can we sustain defeat in some things, and still trust God that there are purposes greater than we can see, and not ever let go of righteousness?

This Sunday I taught the Relief Society lesson on preparing for the Second Coming - which of course means also preparing for those hard and terrible events which will occur before that.

I asked everyone what they feared most in the short term, and in the long term. We all agreed that in the long term there was only one thing we feared - that we could be found wanting when we faced judgement, that we would not have done everything good that was possible for us. Fear, doubt, pain might have made us weak, confusion or ignorance muddled our way or made us do too little.

In the short term we feared more for those we loved than for ourselves, except we wondered if we could have the courage to trust the Lord and never deny Him, even at the cost of the lives of those closest to us.

These are far harder subjects than we usually have to deal with. They are not the usual concerns of good behaviour in the day to day peace of our lives where individual illnesses strike us here and there - but never biological or chemical warfare. We experience bad actions or ugly habits, but not wholesale fears, losses of much of the comforts we are accustomed to and so much take for granted, the simple-seeming blessings of freedom to speak or read, to follow our faith to the best of our ability, to eat and to sleep in peace.

One of the things I felt most deeply about was the spiritual preparedness of getting rid of all angers, all self-pity and excuses, all offences or insults unforgiven, all faults unrepented. Now is a good time to heal quarrels, even minor differences. It doesn't matter whose fault it was, who said or who did what - let go of the anger. Do not let yourself fall asleep with a grudge against anyone. You cannot answer for another's feelings if they choose to store up the resentment, but you can get rid of your own. Sometimes it is difficult. Anger burns, particularly when you believe you are right. You want justice!

The big question is - can you afford it? I know I cannot. When I face The Lord I will need mercy! If I have to answer for every stupid or ugly act, every spiteful or careless word, never mind the thoughts I would rather I had not entertained, then I cannot be justified.

Therefore as I need mercy, and hope for it, pray for it - I had better be prepared to give it freely, even willingly, to everyone else, everyone without exception - no 'buts'. If there is justice to be meted out, then God is the one to do it.

Of course it is not easy. It would hardly count if it were. We can forgive those who are sorry and repay. There is little virtue in that. It is forgiving those who are not sorry, who crow over us and walk away as if nothing had happened, that counts.

I do not suggest we do not give appropriate punishment to those - then an increase of love. That is healing and teaching, it allows for growth and the chance to leave the sin behind and be free of it, to start again, better and wiser.

But not everyone will own to us a debt we feel they owe, and to retain the anger with us will cripple our own souls. What happens to them is between them and God, who will judge all things righteously.

Self-pity also cripples, as does guilt. It is so much easier to stop lying to oneself, trying to evade - which is terribly hard work - I know, I've done it. Instead go to the Lord and say - yes I did - I am wrong and I'm sorry. I'll do what I can to make it right - and I will not do it again.

Then we have left behind the burdens which will make it too hard to fight whatever battles may be ahead. Choices may be difficult. Faith may be tested, trust become almost impossibly difficult. We will need the guidance of the Holy Spirit in all things - therefore we must do a little spring cleaning of the soul so that He can abide with us, and when He speaks we will be able to hear. If we are honest, merciful, brave and pray with a whole heart - even as close as we can come to an eye single to the Glory of God - then we will know what to do, and if the short term is hard, in the end we will stand in the light - not the darkness.

And if the storm should pass without striking this time, what could be better than having been prepared at heart? Can it ever be a bad thing to have rid ourselves of anger, self-pity or guilt? We should be the light of the world - perhaps only millions of small candles - but enough to make a major difference. To hold up a candle for others to see is wonderful - it is surely a large part of why we are here. If someone sees your flame and lights their own candle from it, you lose nothing - and there is more light for us all to see by.

The weather has been strange, sometimes grey and wet, at others so beautiful it catches the breath. A few evenings ago Meg and I went for a drive, just meandering around the local lanes. The fields are golden, dotted with bares of hay, the trees are turning colour, the hedgerows are scarlet with berries. The sea was dark blue and the distant hills fading into invisibility. On the western horizon the sunset smouldered blood red, fading at last into embers as dusk approached and the village lights came on and the pale sky echoes across the water, flat as a silver plate.

I have been busy this golden autumn putting in an hour a day or so in planting pansies, polyanthus and loads of bulbs of all sorts. I plant in the faith that they will survive the winter and with the lengthening days again bring forth a wild and glorious show of colour - first snowdrops, then bright winter aconites, then the first dwarf irises purple and gold - and crocuses- then everything - wallflowers, tulips, daffodils, narcissi - colour to dizzy the senses and gladden the heart, flowers to keep and flowers to give away.

I am busy planting like mad in the spirit as well, in the trust that come the lengthening light again, whenever that is, there will be a glory spring up which will never fade.

May we plant what is good - because what we plant, one day we shall reap. God is a God of the harvest - we just don't know when the last harvest is - but it is sure. All we need to do is plant, pull the weeds and trust.

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