Many different kinds of communication skills are required to master the consistent, intimate, nurturing communication necessary to meet the challenges faced in marriage.  Intentional, responsible communication based on the principle of moral agency promotes healthy couple development and greater capacity for intimacy.  Let me share some examples of communication that might arise in marriage.

Tom stormed out of the house for the second time in a week.  He understood that his wife felt hurt when he walked away, but he was pretty sure that if he had stayed in the kitchen, he would have said things that he would regret.  He was fuming to himself.  “Why does she have to act like that?  She makes me so mad!”

Susan, on the other side of the door, in the kitchen, wiped her tears, and angrily thought to herself. “Why does Tom always do that?  How can he leave whenever we have to talk?  He hurts me so much.  If only he would listen to me!”

Tom and Susan were experiencing an aspect of marriage that has been recognized by ancient and modern day prophets, humorists, and scientists.  They were learning that not all moons of marriage are honeymoons.  It was apparent that they had reached an impasse in their marital communication.  Each was convinced that the other was wrong.  Tom was stuck because he blamed Susan for his anger and expected Susan to change her behavior so he could feel better. Susan was stuck because she blamed Tom for her hurt feelings and expected Tom to change his behavior so she could feel better.

It is not all that surprising that Tom blames Susan and Susan blames Tom.  A long-standing human strategy seems to be to assign blame onto another person, and explain personal emotional hurts, sorrows, sadness, anger, thoughts, and behaviors by pointing to what another has done.  This tendency to blame someone or something else for what the individual feels, thinks, or does is so prevalent that products are sold, lawsuits are won, forgiveness is obtained and marriages are made or sadly dissolved, based on the belief that they, the other, “caused my experience” or “made me do it.”  Statements like, AIf only you hadn’t . . .,” “You caused me to . . .,” “You make me feel mad, sad, glad . . . etc.,” are believed.  The typical or expected response sounds like, “I forgive you,” “I am sorry, I caused you to feel sad,” or “Please forgive me for hurting you.” 

What is not expected is to feel puzzled, or ask, “How can what I feel, think, or do cause you, an independent spirit, to feel, think or do anything?”  Many people apologize for what they can’t control, namely, someone else’s experience; and too often, they do nothing about what they can control, namely, their own experience. The principle of agency applied here is that Tom and Susan are autonomous agents, accountable for what each feels, thinks, and does.  Toms anger was not caused by Susan, no matter how she acts, and Susans hurt was not caused by Tom, whether he stays to resolve conflict or leaves when he is flooded with emotion.

Let’s take a look at some strategies to avoid the kind of gridlock Susan and Tom experienced.  At the same time, let’s admit that the process of communication is complicated.  Since we are always communicating, whether we are speaking or not, and since words are only 7% of the total communication package, we need to pay attention to things like body language, tone and volume of voice, facial expressions, and eye contact.  Between the intention of the speaker and the meaning attached to the communication by the receiver, there is potential for lots of misunderstanding.  Some listeners may tend to take offense in a way that violates a most important gospel principle.

The Connection between Agency and Communication

The Lord has said: “Behold these thy brethren; they are the workmanship of mine own hands, and I gave unto them their knowledge, in the day I created them; and in the Garden of Eden, gave I unto man his agency.”  This means that all of God’s children are independent to feel, think and act for themselves based upon their perceptions, beliefs and desires, and for which they, and they alone, will stand accountable. (Doctrine and Covenants 93:20)

President Brigham Young once said, “He who takes offense when no offense was intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense was intended is a greater fool.”  He went on to explain that “there are two courses of action to follow when one is bitten by a rattlesnake. One may, in anger, fear, or vengefulness, pursue the creature and kill it.  Or he may make full haste to get the venom out of his system.  If we pursue the latter course we will likely survive, but if we attempt to follow the former, we may not be around long enough to finish it.”

There is this widespread consensus, however, that a person’s behaviors and emotional experiences can be caused by someone or something else.  This belief can be heard in the declarations and accusations made after the person sees or hears something another person said or did. These statements sound like, but are not limited to, statements like “you made me feel mad, sad, glad, scared, excited, etc.”  For example, someone makes a mean-spirited comment followed by the person being spoken to crying; and saying, “You hurt my feelings.”

It is impossible for someone or something to cause another person’s internal experience or their behavior.  People are consistently exposed to others who are attempting to exercise an influence over them.  Through agency, each individual is able to perceive the events that occur around them, and it is also through this same agency that each individual makes “meaning” of what they heard, or saw.  It is this meaning that a person gives to what they heard or saw that shapes their response, not only what was said or done. Those who listen to find offense will find it. Those who look, listen, and open their hearts to acts of love, will find them also.

This does not mean that a person can say anything they want in whatever way they want.  People are accountable for their intent and for their purpose in saying what they do and how they say it.  For example, if a person’s intent is to offend, their listener is usually offended.  The speaker and the listener are accountable for what they did.  The speaker is accountable for offering offense, and the listener for accepting the offer.  A listener can be invited out to dinner, or to take offense; only the listener can decide to accept the offense, and they can always say “No, thanks!”

It is fruitless to wait for or expect someone else to create the trust, security, comfort or love we want, expect and deserve in our life.  These experiences are matters of our own creations, although they are developed in the relationships we share with others.  The Lord created His children in his image.  We are moral agents with divinely instilled powers, generally free from the control of others.  We are created to accumulate knowledge and skills, and to stand accountable for our own, and only our own, actions, emotions and thoughts.  A couplet celebrating this power is: “I can control the way that I feel, by the things I think and do.  By changing the things I think and do, I can change my feelings too!”

People, created in the Lord’s image but without the Lord’s wisdom, and who wish to perfect their wisdom to match the Lord’s, do so through self-reflection and by “owning” the creation of their experiences.  They take responsibility for how they learn to respond to the expressions and actions of others, including their spouses.  These experiences include what they feel: eg, glad, sad, mad, sexy, excited, and scared; what they think: eg, I am a good person, youre a good person; and what they do: speak, remain silent, trust, mistrust, dominate, avoid domination, embrace, love, etc. 

By exploring their experiences, spouses discover their uniqueness and place themselves in a position to share who they are while in the presence of another. This is called “Intimacy,” sometimes spelled “in-to-me see.”  This type of intimacy can be accomplished through healthy communication in the ultimate people growing relationship: marriage.

Righteous Influence: Speak Your Spouse’s Language

One hallmark of successful marital communication is the righteous influence spouses have with one another by tailoring their messages to communicate love and support for each other. A special stewardship of each married spouse is to represent the Lord to the other, and to serve as the Lord’s proxy, representing him to the other spouse.  A spouse is in a position to speak the words of love and encouragement that the Savior would speak.  Sanctifying and cleansing each other with “the washing of water by the word,” that they might present to the Lord a glorious person “not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish” (Ephesians 5:28).

Many different kinds of communication skills are required to master the consistent, intimate, nurturing communication necessary to meet the challenges faced in marriage.  Couples who report a high degree of satisfaction in their marriage relationship, also report satisfaction with their communication. Establishing a pattern of good communication involves learning the skills of self-expression, listening, problem solving, building on the areas of agreement, dealing with differences, and skill in learning their partner’s “love language.”  Author Gary Chapman coined the term “love language” to refer to the words, touch, time, attention, tokens or gifts, and acts of service that encourage a sense of love, care, and the realization of our divine natures.

Responsible communicators know that how they talk about a subject as often affects the outcome of a conversation as the subject itself.  A primary medium for the development of healthy relationship communication is responsible language: both talking and listening.  Talkers must speak for themselves.  They use “I” messages, such as I feel, I think, I want, etc. Responsible language verbalizes emotions, beliefs and desires in such a fashion as to express personal accountability and increase connection between partners.  For example, “I make myself angry when I think you don’t trust me. Will you help me understand this?” and not, “You make me mad.”  Notice that responsible language places accountability on the individual rather than blaming the other partner.

Equally important to using responsible language is listening.  Listening that responds to what the talker said, words and meaning, (and not to the listener’s agenda) is considered “active listening.”  For example, you might say, “When you think I don’t trust you, you feel angry.”  This contrasts with a statement like, “It makes you mad when I don’t trust you.”  The intent of the active listener is to help the speaker to clarify his or her own experiences, perceptions and meanings.

Additional Keys to a Start Smart in Marital Communication.

Even when your partner’s communication may be less than optimal, you will be happier when you take responsibility to make your own individual communication as constructive as possible.  Forgive your spouse for any present limitations.  Don’t look to be offended.

Take a look at any patterns of communication in your family of origin that are especially positive or negative, and determine to add only the positive patterns to your marriage.  See a marriage counselor or talk with your Bishop if your communication is deteriorating rather than deepening.

Realize that at the beginning of your marriage, you are negotiating everything, including your style of communication as a couple.  The way you communicate is at the very heart of your connection as partners.  You might ask yourself the following questions to assess your own style:

Personality and Gender in Communication

It also helps to begin to understand two other factors that influence communication, which are personality and gender. The Myers-Briggs personality test is an excellent tool for understanding the personality differences that affect communication.  It can help a couple build bridges between their different styles and personalities.  For example, this Jungian test measures extraversion and introversion.  Its interesting that a more introverted person may be more self-contained and have little need to communicate, or may feel “talked out” at the end of a work day, when he has had to talk far more than he prefers, in order to do his job.  If his wife is extraverted or outwardly oriented, he may be surprised by her need to talk, to him and everyone else, as much as she does.

Also, learn about communication differences related to gender.  Women almost always talk more than men.  A man’s very brain structure predisposes him to talk less, especially about feelings.  Women have a difference in brain structure that makes them much more likely to want to talk, that is the corpus callosum, the branch of nerves that connects the left and right hemispheres of the brain.  In women, this “connector” between the left and verbal part of the brain and the right and emotional and intuitive part of the brain, is almost 20% larger than in men.

How can men and women compensate for these brain differences?  Women could approach communication with their husbands by being a bit succinct and by using reason and logic, and men would do better in communicating with their wives if they expressed their feelings and tried to say what they understood their wife’s feelings to be.

The Power of Intention

Intention plays a huge part in good communication in marriage.  How clear is your intention to communicate love and devotion to your spouse?  Are you sure you want to cherish your beloved throughout your marriage, not just during the “honeymoon phase” of marriage?  Perhaps you do have a strong desire to be a conduit for the Lord’s love to this special person you have married.  To do that often requires that we put aside the “natural” man or woman, that we transcend our self-centered drives, and that we really communicate with our spouse with an intention to support their happiness as much as our own.  Pray for your marriage.  Pray for unity.  Decide to be an excellent communicator in your marriage.

Resources to Improve Your Communication Skills      

Some Communication Exercises for Couples

Following are some communication exercises based on principles of agency.  They are designed to help master individual accountability, and maintain an attitude of contentment, tolerance, faith and hope. They also are directed at improving a person’s ability to listen, with the ability to clarify understanding, thus helping to increase unity and intimacy.

A.  The Talking/Listening Exercise

(1) Please know that this communication exercise is designed to allow each member of a couple to discuss difficult and vulnerable feelings in a safe manner.  It is neither a decision-making nor a problem-solving technique.  Instead, it is designed to help you simply learn to talk and listen without making judgments.  Don’t judge the value of the exercise on whether it makes you feel closer in the moment.  Frequently, it won’t.  Hopefully, even if there is short term “pain,” there will be long-term gain.

(2) One person talks about whatever he or she wants to discuss for a specified amount of time, perhaps up to fifteen minutes.  Frequently, at least every minute or two, the listener reflects back as accurately as possible what the talker is saying, but without judgment, rebuttal, or any other editorial comment, evenpositive ones.  The listener contains any emotional reactivity as best he or she can. The talker restates to the listener if she or he feels that the listener is missing significant points.

The Role of TALKER:

The Role of LISTENER:

1. Face your partner, making knee to knee contact.
2. Give Feedback to your partner by:

3. Avoid giving your own feelings, thoughts, or any advice.
4. Try to really UNDERSTAND the “heart message” of your partner’s communication.
5. Time-out Rule. In a talk/listen conversation or any conflict, if one member of the couple feels that the communication is not constructive enough to continue, they can call for a Time Out. This stops the conversation immediately. The person calling for the Time Out assumes responsibility for re-engaging the conversation within a maximum of 24 hours.

B. The “Getting To Know You Better” Exercise

Decide between you as a couple who will be the talker FIRST, and who will be the listener.  The talker picks from the list below or identifies a subject and talks about that topic.  The goal of the listener is to assist the talker to clarify what the talker feels, thinks, and wants in relation to the talker’s subject.  Go back and forth, sharing and clarifying information as long as you like.  When the talker is through, the listener will be able construct a summary of what the talker expressed (i.e. “You are feeling [mad, sad, glad, scared, sexy, excited], because you are thinking ­[x] and what you want is [x]?”).

The talker will help to clarify and confirm the listener's question.  Trade places and repeat this exercise.

SAMPLE SUBJECTS

C.  The Couple Dialogue Exercise

Dialogue is a positive, loving style of communicating. At first it may feel a bit too structured.  It takes practice to feel comfortable, but it can give a couple specific skills and help them to develop their communication and intimacy.

“My Point of View” is a very specific skill to dialogue on any subject more completely.  Do the following:

The five points of view are listed below:

The goal of using “My Point of View” is:

Aids to Dialogue as a couple include:

Dialogue works because:

Conclusion

Ultimately, communication that promotes intimacy is an issue of integrity.  It is taking an ethical stance where each person holds themselves accountable for what they feel, think and do.  Many individuals enter marriage and still use a kind of magical thinking left over from childhood, to live and act as if someone or something has the power to cause the emotional experiences of another person.

The Lord has created men and women and given unto us knowledge and agency. With that moral agency, the individual is endowed with the power and ability to accept or reject the ever-present invitations and tempting influences that surround them.  The individual is free to create their feelings by what they think and do. Also, with that agency comes the opportunity to ultimately and autonomously stand before the Lord and account for the choices that they made.

Couples who honor and respect the principle of agency in their communication patterns increase their capacity for intimacy.  They stop blaming each other, being defensive, and waiting for the other person to change.  They use their divine power to choose happiness over anger, powerfulness over powerlessness, kindness over persecution.  They utilize the skills of self disclosure and sharing what they feel, think and desire for, with and from each other.  Within the crucible of marriage, through spirit to spirit, heart to heart and knee to knee connection, they talk, listen and learn of the pleasures, temptations and problems that are part of the real life experience of their spouse.  With this information in a spirit of charity they are able to sustain each other in the companionship of marriage.

(This is an article in the LDS Newlywed Smart Start Kit series sponsored by the LDS Marriage Network and Meridian Magazine.  Greg McGreer, PhD, works as a counselor and therapist in New Jersey with his wife, Karen Brash McGreer, and their work includes family therapy, sex therapy, marriage seminars, and life coaching (more information on their work can be found at www.intentionalmarriage.com).  He is a member of the steering committee for the LDS Marriage Network. 

To respond to this article or share comments with the author, send your feedback to brotherson@meridianmagazine.com – we look forward to hearing from you.  For further information about the LDS Marriage Network, send to the same email address.)